Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
A kiss of relief
We had a little family drama before this significant moment for my grandmother. A few months earlier, I mentioned to her that I'd started to question my faith in Christianity and that I was considering quitting the confirmation project.
I don't remember her exact reply, but her eyes went from kind to small and piercing, and the many words that came out of her mouth didn't fall in a loving tone.
Later, I told my father about the conversation. "Oh no. You never discuss god, king, or country with your grandmother." He replied experientially.
It was the 70s, so it was a little unusual to a 13-year-old hippie that not everything was up for discussion.
Generation 1900
Granma was from the Politeness generation. Born in 1900, thus setting out on a female life without the right to vote, few options of making an income on your own, and no access to contraception.
Total number of sex partners: 1 (as I know of).
Number of world wars: 2.
Number of kings in her lifetime: 4 (Christian 9th, Fredrik 8th, Christian 10th, Frederik 9th).
Number of queens: 1 (Margrethe 2nd).
Number of children: 4 boys (born completely without labor support equipment).
Also: Kept her house neat, clothes clean, and her boys satiated without a washing machine, dishwasher, or other electrical compliances.
I had front-row view of her and my grandfather's behinds as they made their first pot of coffee on an electric coffee machine. Bending forward as they patiently watched all the hot water dripping through the coffee filter - all by itself (that coffee machine lasted for over 20 years btw).
Before World War II, a child born out of wedlock meant a huge decline in social class, economic disaster, and a significant health risk. Fear, shame, and Christianity were the means to keep the ladies on the narrow path of virtue.
The Ups and Downs of Survival Instincts
So when Grandma sensed that her 8th granddaughter was beginning to shake the pillars of a good and secure life for future generations of her genes, her cortisol surged like crazy.
Which made my "love brain chemical" oxytocin drop (the feeling of safety in a group). I smelled the danger of lack of social support, feared the consequences, and conformed.
This post is not about blame or shame. It's about brain the chemicals in our mammal brain.
We inherited our brains from people who survived. When you look at the vast survival challenges of the past, it seems like a miracle that all of our direct ancestors kept their genes alive. Our brains are focused on survival. When you worry about being late for a meeting, eating the wrong food, your survival brain is at work. When you worry about being invited to a party or having a bad hair day, your brain sees the risk of social exclusion, which was a very real threat to our ancestors.
Little did my 13-year-old survival brain know that it would not have killed me to risk my grandmother's dismay. It would have been very unpleasant for a while, for sure. Still, more importantly, I missed an opportunity for growth and building better survival skills.
Moving Forward
If I'd stood up for myself and acted on my true feelings, it could have considerably raised my self-esteem and improved my decision skills moving forward. I believe.
Also, by NOT standing up for myself, I learned a lot. A classmate had the same considerations as I had, and dropped out. I thought she was so brave - and nothing bad happened to her, I noticed.
Consider this. What often holds us back from stepping out of the comfort zone or start new things is the fear that we won't be able to handle what surprises life might bring us. Where in fact, we ARE able to handle WHATEVER happens.
You don't have to worry about right or wrong decisions, because every choice you make is the right choice. It might not turn out the way you had hoped, but you will always find a solution or other opportunities to pursue. Plus, the lessons and all the new that comes with it will somehow benefit your life.
Every time you encounter something that forces you to "handle it" your self-esteem is raised considerably.
You can handle it.